Cross of Gold

Endskel 7, 1013

Angelique had been chosen to sing in the service for Robertmas, at the very cathedral of St. Robert himself. She’d even been given a solo — a small solo, but a solo. She knew it was an honor. She knew that this was the kind of chance plenty of singers would give their right arms for. And maybe Angelique might have given her right arm for it, too, if that was what they were asking. After all, like so many other things in this world, she suspected that this too all came down to a question of price.

Because no matter how talented the singer, no matter how crystalline and pure the voice, no matter how much passion and beauty could be brought to the song … only monks and nuns were allowed to be part of the choir for the Robertmas service.

She wondered how many singers would give up their love and their freedom for the chance to sing in one measly service.

And what, perhaps, made Angelique saddest is that she knew this would be her swan song. If she were to be allowed to stay in Camford, join a community of nuns nearby, be able to sing year after year in the Robertmas service … that could be something like just compensation for what she had given up. But she knew it was not to be. Nuns were forbidden to change orders. So were monks, technically, but monks could be given a parish of their own and, to an extent, make their own rules. If nuns needed to care for a parish that couldn’t support a whole nunnery, they would send a smaller cloister of at least three nuns. Nuns could never manage to get away.

As for Angelique — what was her fate to be? She would go back to Albion. She’d live out the rest of her days as a drudge, wiping orphans’ bottoms, scrubbing floors, cooking and doing laundry and praying for people she either didn’t know or did know and didn’t care about. The one bright spot would be teaching music at the cathedral school.

And … there was the possibility of being abbess. That was why Angelique had taken her final vows, wasn’t it? So she could be powerful, a voice that would be heard, not just a nameless drudge in veil and wimple. So she could prove her father wrong. But the more that Angelique thought about it, the worse the idea seemed. First of all, Mother Julian was as healthy as a horse, so when would Angelique lead? Secondly, Abbess of one of St. Coral’s nunneries simply was not a powerful position. Clarice’s and Lynn’s letters, peppered with the news from Albion, confirmed what Angelique had sensed all along: the monks had cornered the market on Church power in Albion. She doubted even Brother Tuck’s recent scandal would change that fundamental dynamic.

So being Abbess was much like being a regular nun. There would be all the same tiresome drudgery, the same endless cycle of days just like the last. There would just be more paperwork.

She should have said no back when she was eighteen. She should have walked away then. That would have shown her father. That would have made it clear that–

“Sister Angelique?”

Angelique looked up. “Oh … Brother Arche.”

She liked Brother Arche. They were in the same year and had seen each other from time to time in the course of Church duties. But best of all, he was another singer. He’d been an oblate from the age of six or seven and had been trained in it since he showed he could carry a tune. He’d had solo positions in the Robertmas service since the beginning of their time at Camford. His mellow baritone could somehow fill the church from nave to narthex. She’d seen his voice move grown men, warriors in Camford on pilgrimage, to tears.

“Something wrong?” he asked. “You look pensive.”

Another wonderful thing about Brother Arche was that, though he was Church-raised, he hadn’t let it get to his head.

Angelique sighed and let herself out of the stalls used for the singers. “Oh …” She shrugged at Brother Arche. “Just … wondering how I got to this place, that’s all.”

“Well, generally one walks in the door, up the aisle, and hangs a left,” replied Brother Arche cheekily.

Angelique wished she could laugh. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?” he asked. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how to get back to your abbey. If I squired you back there, I’m afraid that my impeccable reputation would be rather tarnished.”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Angelique snorted.

“So you mean I don’t have to escort you back? Excellent. That cuts down on the odds of my meeting Sister Grace.”

Angelique snorted again, but this time it was the snort of a laugh only halfway choked off. “She graduated last year.”

“But she’s part of the Order of St. Marla! They never leave Camford!”

That was only too true. It was part of why Angelique often envied them … at least until she remembered that they had to spend the rest of their lives in each other’s company. It almost made going back to Albion and the life that awaited her there seem worth it.

Almost.

“But if you know very well how to get home again, Sister Angelique,” continued Brother Arche, “then you’re going to have to help me out here. For I am but a poor obtuse man, quite unable to make hide nor hair out of the tangle of emotion and memory and forced conclusions that you women call ‘logic.'”

Angelique laughed. “You can’t even figure out men’s logic. Backstabber nearly threw a book at you!”

“I know. It’s amazing I can make it through a simple conversation,” sighed Brother Arche. “But at least I’m good at ducking.”

“He wouldn’t have actually thrown it.”

“Says you!”

“Please.” Angelique snorted. “You are good at ducking. And you knew who was sitting behind you.”

“Ah yes — the gigglers.” Brother Arche rolled his eyes. “But all of them have papas with a lot of money, and all of their papas would be very upset to hear that their babies got a black eye from a professor. They’d probably be even more upset if they knew that Backstabber hadn’t aimed for their precious darlings.”

Angelique did not want to think too hard about girls with overprotective fathers who would grow angry if those girls came to any kind of physical harm. Who thought of their girls as “precious darlings.” So she asked, “Do you have a minute? Want to take a walk around the gardens?”

“For you, Sister Angelique, I can make the minutes stretch into hours.”

There was something … vaguely bawdy about the way he said that. But there was also something in it that begged not to be taken seriously. Angelique shrugged to herself. She had always found Brother Arche a bit hard to read when he got into those moods. “Let’s walk, then.”

Without another word, they began the long walk down the aisle of … not Wrightendom’s oldest, and not its biggest, and perhaps not even its most spectacular cathedral, but certainly its holiest cathedral.

Even now — on a weekday, with no services being held — it was hardly empty or completely quiet. Other students and townspeople stood in the corners and alcoves, talking, joking, laughing. Some had slipped into darker corners to do … who knew what. Or they would, once it got darker. This cathedral was one filled with light and air, which made it difficult to find those darker corners.

But this was what it was like in the big cathedrals in the big cities. The cathedral was not just a place of worship: it was a meeting-place, and a market, and shelter from the rain, a place to be with one’s love … and sometimes it could be all of these things at once, even while services were going on. In Albion, because the monks had installed pews in the cathedral, most people sat down and paid attention while the service was going on. The Robertians, however, shunned pews, because they thought that sitting while worshiping was something of a sacrilege. And the result was that nobody paid attention to what they were saying while they were holding services.

But some said that the Robertians didn’t mind — as long as the money wound up in the collection plate, it was all one to them.

It was probably a good thing that that last thought crossed Angelique’s mind as she and Brother Arche stepped into the sunlight. Probably even thinking such thoughts in St. Robert’s own cathedral was enough to get her damned — or at least rack up some serious penances.

“Shall we sit?” asked Brother Arche.

Angelique hesitated. Technically monks and nuns — young, able-bodied monks and nuns — were not supposed to sit in the cloister gardens. They were supposed to walk around them, letting the beauty of nature show them the love and beauty of the Lord. Or something. Angelique had yawned through those lectures.

… Besides, they didn’t make any sense. The gardens were beautiful — but they were no more nature than a knight’s charger was a wild animal. There were certain broad similarities, yes, but at the end of the day, both the gardens and the charger were what Sims had made of them.

So, “Let’s sit,” replied Angelique.

As soon as she and Brother Arche chose a bench and seated themselves, Angelique got to business. “Brother Arche, do you ever wonder if … if maybe this isn’t the life you were meant to live?”

Brother Arche’s eyebrows went up. “I’m the third son of a baron — with two supremely healthy older brothers, may I add. If this is not the life for me … what is?”

Angelique wilted. When Brother Arche put it like that … she was the third daughter of an earl. Her father had already made two perfectly good alliances with Lynn’s marriage and Clarice’s. At the end of the day, there was simply … no point to her wishing for anything else. This was simply the way the world was ordained, how things must be.

But,” Brother Arche continued, “I’ve been doing this since I was seven. You were …?”

“Fourteen,” Angelique murmured.

“Hmm,” Brother Arche murmured. “That’s different.”

Angelique looked up. “You think so?”

“I know so.” Brother Andy tossed his head and rolled his eyes. “Of course it’s different. When you’re seven … the Church can more easily make you into its own image. When you’re fourteen? Forget it! Especially if there’s some resistance to the idea.”

Angelique blinked. “My … my father was an oblate for a while–”

“Your father? Ooh, is this a scandal? And you never told me, Sister Angelique? Shame on you!”

“Not that kind of scandal,” Angelique snorted. “He started when he was … oh, six or so. And his parents pulled him out about two years later. There was some kind of scandal at the monastery — the Order of St. Consort — and–”

“Oh, the pederasty scandal?”

Angelique blinked. “What?”

“You–you know what the word means … right?” Brother Arche asked.

“Of course I know what the word means!” Angelique hissed. She wouldn’t lay odds on Lynn knowing it — though Clarice probably would — but Angelique had never let the knowledge that such-and-such a topic was forbidden to females stop her from seeking to learn more about it. “Are you saying my father was …?”

“I don’t know,” Brother Arche shrugged. “How old is he?”

“Forty-nine.” His birthday was only two days away — it was close enough.

“That would put him at the right age to have been there when the scandal broke …” Brother Arche stroked his beard. “But that doesn’t mean he was–you know–one of the boys affected. The Order of St. Consort was very popular in those days with the nobility. There were dozens of boys there. And only a few of them were affected.”

“… How on earth do you know so much about a scandal that happened over forty years ago?”

Brother Andy shot her a look. “Sister Angelique. Please. It was a huge scandal! Do you think the monks in my order still aren’t talking about it?”

“Forty years later?”

“Some of them were there at the time,” Brother Arche shrugged. “Your father wasn’t the only one pulled out when the scandal broke. And some of the ones who were were put into different monasteries.”

“… Oh,” Angelique murmured.

“Besides, I’m part of the Order of St. Kent, remember?” Brother Arche poked Angelique’s side. “A daughter house of the Order of St. Consort if there ever was one. And if you think the Consortians are a magnet for younger sons who otherwise would just be a drain on the family fortunes, you should see the Kentians!”

“Meaning …?”

“Our order has plenty of lands and plenty of money, so as long as we copy some manuscripts from time to time and show up to services, we can gossip as much as we please in the meantime.”

“Oh …” Angelique glanced through her lashes at Brother Arche. “Are–are many orders like that?”

“Enough,” Brother Arche shrugged. “You have to put the excess sons and daughters of the nobility somewhere.”

Angelique nodded and looked away.

“You probably should have been sent to one of those houses,” Brother Arche added, softly. “I–I can’t imagine what your father was thinking, making you a Coralite. That’s no place for a girl with noble blood. That’s no place for anyone without a vocation.”

Angelique’s gaze snapped back to Brother Arche. “What? We’re all supposed to have a vocation.”

Brother Arche laughed. “Please, Sister–don’t be naive! Of course we don’t all have a vocation. Why, if the Church actually closed its doors to anyone who didn’t have a vocation, they’d lose at least half their manpower!”

As soon as Brother Arche said that, it was like the sun came out from behind a cloud. She wasn’t the only one without a vocation? She wasn’t the only one who wasn’t abjectly grateful for the chance to spend her life on her knees, praying for other people to be forgiven so she never had time to go out and commit interesting sins herself? She wasn’t the only person who had been forced into this life when she was too young to defend herself and now knew of no way to get out?

“In the orders like the Kentians, they teach you–well, how to … deal with this life. The Coralites just expect you to work and be grateful for the opportunity. It’s an order for widows who will starve otherwise, that one. Not for noble ladies.”

Had all the birds in the town just burst into song, or was that only Angelique’s heart?

“Could you …” Angelique hesitated. “Could you maybe … give me some hints? Something to take home with me, when I go back to Albion?”

“Will I give you some hints? Sister, do you think I would have brought it up if I wasn’t going to tell you something? Oh, Sister Angelique …” He shook his head. “What kind of a horrible person do you think I am?”

It was a good question. Angelique waited.

And waited. But finally Brother Arche spoke. “There–there’s a lot you learn,” he said quietly. “But … I think the first and most important is … everybody sins.”

Everybody sins? Really? That was the best Brother Arche could come up with?

“And not–not in the way you think, either,” Brother Arche added. “That is–we learn that not so we get … prideful in our humility, the way a lot of monks and nuns do. No. We learn that because … because being a monk is hard. And we’re going to screw up. It’s inevitable.

Angelique cocked her head to one side. “Do you mean …”

“I mean that the only person who actually followed all the bloody scriptures and precepts we have to follow was St. Robert himself — and I’m pretty sure there’s some debate about that.”

“So …” Angelique bit her lip. “It’s all right to … sin … to mess up — as long as you get forgiveness afterward?”

“Ah, but you must be careful how you do that,” Brother Arche wagged his finger in Angelique’s face. “One must manage one’s penances. Sure, some people can wear a hair shirt all day and all night, and some people positively enjoy flogging themselves … but the rest of us … have to play the game.”

“Isn’t …” Angelique bit her lip. “Isn’t that–risky? What if you died with some terrible sin unconfessed?”

“Life’s a risk,” Brother Arche waved his hand. “You can’t let fear of damnation stop you from living. Though don’t tell the laity I said that.”

Angelique laughed. “Your secret is safe with me. But what did you mean about–”

She was cut off by the bells from the cathedral. At this distance, there was no talking over them. And they were ringing for None.

“Drat,” Angelique sighed. “I need to get back.”

“Me too, my dear, me too.”

They both rose. But Angelique couldn’t just let their conversation end on that note. “It’s almost too bad you’re a monk, Brother Arche,” she said, stepping forward, one hand reaching for his cheek. “If you were a –”

“Er,” Brother Arche stepped back. “I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea, Sister Angelique.”

Angelique blinked. “But … but you just said …”

Everything he said about sin. And penance. Surely–surely that included this as well? Surely that meant she could have at least a little freedom, a little room to breathe? Or was this the one non-negotiable, the one that all monks and nuns followed, no matter what?

If it was … if Angelique had misunderstood everything …

“Oh, don’t take it personally!” Brother Andy rushed to — reassure her? “It’s not you. It’s just …” He leaned a little closer. “I prefer Sims with more on bottom than up top — if you know what I mean?”

He was gesturing near his chest, cupping his hands as if he were holding up …

Oh!” Angelique whispered. “You–prefer the company of gentlemen?”

“Aye, let’s go with that.”

“Understood,” Angelique replied. And it was amazing how much better she felt, to hear that. “But … what you were saying earlier … it does apply to …?”

“The C-vow?” Brother Arche asked. “Honey–if it didn’t apply to that–what on earth would it apply to?”

It was a good question. One that Angelique didn’t have an answer to.

And she hoped she would never, never need one.

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18 thoughts on “Cross of Gold

  1. Oh. Somehow I see this going pear shaped. Arche is right. Angelique might have been able to adjust to being a nun if she’d been pledged to a different nunnery. But I’m with her, I just don’t see her ever really having much more than moments of less misery in the nunnery in Albion.

    But Bors is nothing if not blind. Who cares how she feels, she’s just a girl. Yeah, well you’re just an asshole granted an out by virtue of what hangs between your legs.

    I know I’d hate it if Angelique’s life was mine, so I can’t help but feel pretty sorry for her. It was interesting, her reflections on the Cathedral and what it is like, too.

    I think the church needs to get over itself and over the “shoulds” it has. >_<'

    • There are definitely orders set up for young women like Angelique — spare noble daughters whose fathers don’t want to marry them off. She could have had a pleasant life in one of them, especially if she had been made an oblate when she was younger and more malleable. (… If Angelique was ever malleable …) As it is … yeah, it’s not looking like she’s on the road to lifelong happiness.

      And Bors should doubly know better, since he was once — no, twice — in Angelique’s exact position. But … she’s a girl, her wishes don’t matter.

      The Church probably does need to get over itself. Perhaps the world of Albion needs a Protestant Reformation of a kind …

      Thanks, andavri!

  2. Oooh, I really like Brother Arche! I’m glad Angelique has made at least one friend in the church since Galahad went back to Albion, and I’m glad he understands how the world and the church work too. Maybe the Kentians can set up a parish in Albion at some point? There can never be too many good monks to make up for Tuck.

    Angelique should just drop the church and run off somewhere. She’ll never be happy. And the orphans she’s caring for won’t be happy if their example is unhappy (hey, those poor kids already have to deal with Sister Vyn; as awesome as Margery is, I don’t know if she can balance out angry Vyn and supremely miserable Angelique on her own). There have to be some examples of runaway nuns/monks in Glasonland history, and hopefully some managed to get away all right. Maybe she could change her name and hide out with the Kentians for a while, pretending to be a refugee or something. Or maybe she could appeal to Lynn, who could appeal to Arthur to protect her; not only would it piss off Bors, but it could show the Robertians once again that Arthur isn’t in the business of kissing the church’s ass. Also, at this point, I’m guessing Mother Julian is having the same thoughts about the whole situation and wouldn’t see the harm in letting Angelique fly free.

    • LOL! I’m not sure if the Kentians would be a good “fit” for Albion. Albion needs church folks who actually do something, not just sit on their butts and maybe sing a few services a day. (Which in the world of Albion, is doing something … but it’s not the kind of thing Albion needs.)

      But as time goes on? You never know. Maybe they will set up a parish. πŸ˜‰

      The absolute best thing Angelique could do for herself is cut her losses and run … but I’m not sure she understands she has that option. Plus I think she’s scared of the world outside. She’s not seen much of it, being a sheltered noblewoman … and what she has seen via the orphanage is that it can be a really rough place if you don’t have a lot of survival skills.

      However, if she did decide to cut and run … I can virtually guarantee that Mother Julian wouldn’t hunt her down.

      (And she wouldn’t give Bors his money back, either. 😈 )

      Thanks, Van!

  3. It’s…kind of weird how Angelique’s huge cross, uh, bends around her breasts. Is it supposed to be a metal cross? I’ve been telling myself that it’s just embroidery, but the title of this was cross of gold, so… (unless it’s…gold embroidery?)

    I’ve jumped off the Angelique/Galahad ship (I know they had something going for a while there) because Galahad is just too amazing at being Oblivious About Everything, but hm, this should be interesting for Angelique. She’s a romance sim, isn’t she? I’m sure there are a lot of lonely men out there who could use some, uh, spiritual comfort.

    • The title is actually a recurring reference to the song “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel. A song that she pretty much always references when writing post about Angelique.

      I don’t think it’s use has anything to do with the actual cross in question. However on that front, I made Angelique’s habit a very long time ago, when I didn’t know that much about skinning and Morgaine at the time had the habit of asking for jewelry to actually be painted on the skins.

      The fact that it bends is a limitation of the fact that it is painted directly onto the skin texture and not an accessory. I have offered to redo Angelique’s habit so that it doesn’t do that, separating the two into a dress and an accessory however as of the last time I asked, she still liked this habit for Angelique.

      • Haha okay, I’ll just keep thinking it’s some fancy embroidery, then, for my own convenience. I didn’t even know that was a song.

    • Sims 2 skinning has a lot of limits, and it’s not everybody who can get the awesome results that Andavri regularly does. (And the reason why I didn’t ask for a new habit for Angelique is because she’ll soon be under the watchful eye of Mother Julian. I figured this habit could work for ONE more post.)

      Yes, Angelique is a romance Sim. I wish Arche would have fed her the line about “spiritual comfort” … she’d probably be at least a bit less depressed. πŸ˜‰

      Thanks, alveus, thanks, Andavri!

  4. Perhaps one day Sister Angelique will find a use for the nun’s pregmorph….what a delicious scandal!

    Poor dear. I wish there was a way out of this for her.

    • LOL! Well, I hope that Beryllium’s Viking dress has a pregmorph, should that come to pass! πŸ˜‰

      She might yet find a way out. You never know. But right now, from where Angelique is sitting, it’s looking pretty hopeless.

      Thanks, Chicklet!

  5. Oh, I like this Brother! πŸ˜„ He should totally come to Albion! I could think of one gentleman at least who might like him as a… confessor. ^^

    Angelique however…. Even this newly-gained knowledge won’t make much difference. I doubt there will be many opportunities to sin, in whatever way, once she’s back in Albion. Certainly not enough to balance out the rest of it. 😦 She’s just not made for that kind of life. And as Van rightly pointed out, the kids won’t be happy at all, which is bound to make everyone else around them less happy in turn. And when I imagine that Angelique will have to deal with Sister Vyn on top of it all…. *shudders* There might be bloodshed before a week is out. And I wouldn’t blame Angelique in the least.
    I’m still kind of hoping that she’ll find a loophole somewhere to get out of it with as little scandal, or rather negative consequences for her, as may be. I know it’s not likely, but a girl can hope, right? Perhaps the demigoddess would care for some karmic currency? *makes puppy dog eyes*

    • LOL! Arche plans to stay in Camford after graduation, because there’s an abbey with his monks there, but hey — you never know! He could come through on a visit! πŸ˜‰

      It is hard to sin if you’re running around after a bunch of kids morning, noon, and night. *sigh* You do need the energy for it. But at least Mother Julian isn’t crazy enough to put Angelique in the orphanage with Sister Vyn. Between Angelique’s duties at the school and Vyn’s at the orphanage, they might even not have to see each other more than once a week. That ought to be the saving of all concerned.

      … Although I would like to see Angelique vs. Vyn in a self-pitying contest … though you’re right that that would probably end in death.

      LOL! Karmic currency? I will have to think about it. πŸ˜‰ But don’t give up hope for Angelique yet.

      Thanks, Ann!

  6. Like a two year-old, I was amused by the gay monk being a Kentian.

    It’s a shame Angelique can’t change orders. Arche is nice to have tried to help her, but I have to wonder if this makes things any easier for her. If she can’t transfer, for lack of a better word, does it help to know that other religious folk have a more suitable lifestyle? Then again, this might help her decide to ditch the habit and make a break for it. There may be no going home to Daddy Dearest, but there’s life beyond Borsville and the nunnery.

    Morganna, I absolutely loved the way you used the vastness of the cathedral in the images. The long shot of the two walking was especially striking.

    • I noticed that too! πŸ˜† I still have to blink repeatedly whenever I come across a straight Kent Capp, or when I consider that the Veronaville bios encourage players to get him with Bianca Monty. In my mind, he is canonically and undebatably gay.

    • Thanks to you two, I can’t possibly think of Kent as anything other than gay either … although I did try to pair him off with Bianca when I played Veronaville many, many moons ago. What can I say, I’d never heard of Insim at that point and had no way of knowing Kent’s true orientation!

      It is a shame that Angelique can’t just cut and run in that way. If Bors had half a brain, he would have found a more suitable order for Angelique in the first place. But … let’s face it, on the list of assets that Bors doesn’t have, “half a brain” is pretty close to if not the top entry.

      But it might get Angelique thinking in other ways — about the possibility of sin, for one. About how to rebel. All hope isn’t gone yet.

      Wow, a compliment on my picture-taking? 😯 Considering how breathtakingly gorgeous your pics are, Winter, that means a lot! Thank you! Thank you so much! πŸ˜€

    • So was I Winter! We’ll just snicker in the back of the class.

      Without a place to go it could be very bad for Angelique if she runs. She might have to indenture herself or become a prostitute to survive.

  7. Hello, I’ve been reading your challenge for some time and I just wanted to say that I’m really enjoying it. Angelique is such an interesting character on the surface really defiant, stubborn and willing to rebel but as much as I admire her character I doubt her upbringing would prepare her for life in the real world if she did run away. Although I definitely wouldn’t have stuck with it as long as she has, I would try to get myself kicked out somehow and get Lyn/Clarice to take me in.

    While she may be happier in a different order I doubt that she could be truly happy to being forced into something and giving in to her father’s wishes so completely. Also I don’t think Arche fully understands Angelique’s situation if she messed around with someone of the opposite gender she could quite easily get pregnant which would make her life miserable, something that unless Arche has gone off with the fairies he really doesn’t have to worry about. There will always be those limits on Angelique.

    • Hi, leopardeyes! Welcome to Albion! (Although it’s funny that you call it a challenge … I think I ended up mentally ditching a lot of the challenge rules some time ago!)

      That’s a good point about her upbringing not preparing her for the real world. Angelique doesn’t have real survival skills — she knows enough about cooking and cleaning to get work as a drudge (though she’d hate that), and she has her singing voice, but it’s hard to get paying work as a singer. I don’t know that she’d know how to make ends meet if she didn’t have somebody to help support her. Living with Lynn or Clarice might be her best shot.

      I too doubt she’d be truly happy in a different order — Angelique is too much her own woman, and she doesn’t want this life. She’d only be happier because she wouldn’t have to do as much drudgery in a different order.

      That’s also a really good point about pregnancy — although I’m pretty sure that nuns in the wealthy, well-connected, we’re-just-here-to-warehouse-excess-noble-kids have ways of getting around that. But a Coralite? Yeah, that ain’t happenin’.

      Thanks, leopardeyes! πŸ˜€

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